I may not be that old right now, but as I look back on my life, my friends, the things I enjoy doing now, I realize the impact that my childhood has had on me. As an only child, I did not have an older brother or sister to stay home with me after school or during the summer. Instead, while my parents worked, I would be dropped off at a babysitters’. Basically, as much time as my parents tried to spend with me, most of my time as a child was spent within two separate households (excluding my own). Coincidently, both households had two boys around my age. From JK-grade 2, I spent my time playing with Adam and Adam, and from grade 3-7, I spent my days with Andrew and Brian.  I would spend days on end playing hand-ball, videogames, basketball, floor hockey etc. It wasn’t until recently that I realized why I enjoy the things boys do > girls. Don’t get my wrong, I absolutely love shopping and getting dolled up, but in my mind, I’m always thinking, “what the heck do girls do??” I have a close group of girls that I spend my time with whom I’ve known since highschool, but these girls are unique in their own way. We can all be girly-girls, but one thing we all have in common is our lack of tolerance for females who can’t hold their own.

Anyway, back to my point. Because of this, I’ve always felt very comfortable hanging out within a circle of guys, being the only girl, until recently over the years. Recently, it has reminded me of an incident in grade 1. It was picture day and I was wearing a black tu-tu. It was after school and I was playing with Adam and Adam. One of them (the perverted one, clearly) tried to look up my skirt. I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late. I felt so uncomfortable. I think it was from that point on that I felt like I needed to act more like a homeboy, than be too girly in front of my guy friends. It bothers me when I find out that one of my guy friends has caught feelings. I couldn’t understand why until I was reminded of this “Adam” incident. It has happened on many occassions and I actually get upset. I’m not trying to fish for compliments, like “omg, I’m just so amazing and down to earth, they can’t help but love me”. No. I’m upset because it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like they’re looking up my skirt. All of a sudden, I become so aware of my female body parts. It makes me feel like I’ve lost a friend. It makes me feel like everything they say and do for me has been/is insincere. I have had experiences where a “homeboy” will drive from distances to come grab me to hang out. Or go out of their way to bring me food. The whole time, I’m thinking they’re just being nice. When we chill, I’m not trying to get you to like me. When I agree with you, or when we have things in common it’s because we have similar upbringings. I play videogames because it’s fun, because I genuinely enjoy mashing buttons, even when I suck.

OH, while I’m talking about gender. As a female who understands the mentality of a man, ladies, PLEASE, stop it with that opposite/testing shit when you’re in a fight with your boyfriend. It’s FUCKING annoying. Example: “Leave me alone!” when you really want them to chase you, and then when they actually leave you alone you get cheesed and it becomes a whole new argument that spirals into one of those late night talks. STOP IT. Just say what you mean. If your boyfriend has been trying to communicate to you on your level, the least you can do is do the same for him. Men are straight forward. Be straight forward. If you’re upset about something, just tell him why you’re upset and he will fix it (if he cares). But don’t tell him you’re not upset and have your body language and replies be evidently different. It’s stupid. Stop.

To say, “I love you, but I can’t be with you”, has to be the ultimate paradox. And he probably doesn’t believe me. I’m sure through all the “I love you”s and “I wish things were different” all he heard was “It’s not going to work”. We’ll both replay that last conversation we had over and over again, trying to figure out a solution—a deadend we’ve hit so many times before. He probably thought it was easy. And maybe that’s the unsettling feeling eating at me right now. It wasn’t easy. At all. Not even close.